This is Conversation... Really??

Okay, so what's up with conversation lately? I'm finding it more difficult to have any intelligent exchange with anyone these days. So many are using blah, blah, blah as part of their story telling. It goes something like this. "I was talking to a friend at work about Christmas shopping, how crowded the malls are and blah, blah, blah, WTF really? If the story you are telling me is so uninteresting that you have to include that phrase, then do you really think I am captivated by your words? How about you fill in the blah, blah, blah with something more compelling. Hell, make something up, I don't care. I just don't want to spend 15 minutes of my time listening to a story, that includes 8 minutes of this non-conversational fill in!

There are several other words I would love you to either use correctly or keep them out of your freakin' conversation. For example "Epic". Seriously, epic does not describe your morning because you got just the right amount of foam on your cappuccino or you breezed through three red lights on your way to work and didn't get caught! I would insert the definition here, but I'd rather you look it up for yourself so you can get a clear understanding of the meaning of the word. That in itself would be fuckin' EPIC! (Yes, I know, I used that incorrectly too, see how stupid that is!)

So, not just for my sake, but for every other person that is stuck in a conversation with you, be forewarned, "whatever" and "like" are equally annoying and I will walk away from you mid sentence!

Much Love—Jodi

I Was Old Before Christmas

A Poem by Jodi L. Clark

I was old before Christmas, the year's gone by quick.
The clock keeps on moving, clickety, click.
It seems that just yesterday, we were still spry,
still in the delusion that we could still fly.

"Fly hell", what is this, I think to myself,
I'm lucky if I can still hold on to health.
We wonder and ponder over so many regrets,
we should have the sense to not have so many debts.

Again, it is Christmas, the cash starts to flow,
I'm spending on shit, Oh God, I don't even know.
There's twenty bucks flying out, righty and lefty,
the credit card interest I'm sure, will be hefty.

But that's not the half of it, shall I go on,
to contemplate over what else has gone wrong?
Well let me just start by letting you know,
that when you are my age, you hit a new low.

The tit's start to wander further down south,
and complaining about it continues to flow from my mouth.
Oh it's not just the sagging of tits and rearend,
my brain is not functioning very well either, my friend.

We slightly remember life without pain,
when dancing and singing, kept us from going insane.
Now we're just happy to slide out of our beds,
and thankful to doctor's who prescribe all the meds.

I know life's a bitch, and to this I will shout,
Let's get our groove on before time has run out!
So remember my motto for the new year to come,
We can keep it a groovin' with pain killers and rum.



Merry Christmas
and Happy Holidays — Jodi

Happy Birthday to Me!

Well, I woke up this morning thinking no one would remember my birthday today. Really it was no big deal, took me a minute to remember myself! Needless to say, I was delightfully surprised to see that I am "Social Network Rich"! It started with just a few emails and FaceBook friends sending birthday wishes. I had stepped out for a while to do some errands and when I returned I had 55 emails in my inbox, took me a good while to get through them. So if by chance I missed saying "thank you" don't think I didn't appreciate it, but I'm damn old and those emails were overwhelming!

That's right, I'm old. Today I turned 52 years old and I'm certainly not liking it—nor am I aging gracefully. I'm finding it more difficult everyday to look in that mirror. Every time I do, I discover some new monstrosity carved into my face! Whether it be a new wrinkle, an ever darkening age spot, or something else unrecognizable! I keep looking at moles and questioning whether I've seen them before and whether I'm seeing a change due to Melanoma! (I did spend a lot of time laying in the sun as a kid, so that paranoia makes perfect sense to me) I can't see much without my glasses, so I've been opting to not wear them when I am anywhere near a mirror—blurry seems to put a lighter perspective on things.

Hubby, was wonderful today. After working over 13 hours last night, he still managed to come home this morning with a wonderful gift—a comfy white robe, which I needed, my old one looks really beat! He also brought a massive 4 layer chocolate cake with peanut butter icing (my favorite). How long do you think the cake sat there before I busted it open? I opened it to smell it—then I shut the box. I opened it to taste the icing—then I shut the box. Finally, After about 45 minutes I could no longer resist—got the knife and dove in. I'm supposed to be dieting right now—so much for that! Awe fuck off, it's my birthday, I'm allowed! I'm going to have to take the remaining cake over to a client or something tomorrow because my sweet tooth will definitely not allow me to have that sucker in this house for very long!

So all in all, my day was good. It's lovely to know that I have an enormous network of friends who care—or maybe I just spend way to much time on the internet!

Much Love to All—Jodi

Men Are The SHIT!

So Hubby and I just started dieting—NO pardon me, we're on a "lifestyle" change. Anyway, we started about a week ago and as I started reading more about men and women's metabolism I came to realize that generally men tend to drop weight quicker than women. Well, ain't that just the shit for him! He has lost 10lbs, I have lost 7. Now don't get me wrong losing 7lbs in less than a week, is very good, but apparently I'm going to have to work twice as hard to get the same results!

It has occurred to me, that men (I hate to say it) really do have an easier time with just about everything! They can pee standing up, they don't get their periods, go through menopause or have babies! (she laughs, I would really love to see my hubby squeeze something the size of watermelon out of his ass!) I know, women can do so much more than men... but don't we have to work so much harder at it than they do? Sure I can pee standing up if I really wanted to and I betcha I could actually make it in the bowl too while doing it! I guess the consolation here is that during my research I also discovered that women usually live 5 to 10 years longer than a man.

So maybe I can't piss my name in the snow, grow a beard (well not yet anyway) or lose weight as quick as a man, but I'll be around 10 years longer than he is to continue to do the awesome things that us woman do!

I would make a list of our awesomeness here, but I'm tired of typing now, so feel free to fill in the blank!

Woman are awesome because we can _______________________!

Much Love—Jodi

How "Not" to compliment a Big Girl

I have to admit I'm not very good at accepting a compliment, never have been. For some reason it embarrasses me. Especially when I'm being complimented on my looks. Well, you all know by now—if you have been following my blog, that my weight is definitely an issue.

This brings me to my subject for today. I am reminded of the time I was at the mall in the food court getting a slice of pizza with my son and the kid behind the counter, poor fella, asked me when I was due. Apparently he thought I was pregnant. I started busting up laughing and said, "honey, I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat!" He turned about ten colors of red. I actually felt really bad for him—for about a minute, then realized, I probably did him a favor. I'm fairly certain he learned a huge lesson that day and will never make that mistake again!

There are others that see my fat ass coming and feel they must compliment me in order to help boost my confidence. They say lovely things like " have you lost weight, you look really good" As I mentioned, hard for me to accept a compliment. My mind automatically thinks "oh, I see, so I looked "bad" before?" I know it's bullshit because I could lose 15 lbs and it really wouldn't show. That's like a skinny bitch losing 2 lbs and someone noticing. Seriously! Not only have I not lost weight, I haven't lost any brain cells either. So gimme a break. I know you all mean well, but I would rather you say nothing at all then to say something stupid and unbelievable as "have you lost weight" Believe me if I lose any significant amount of weight I will be telling everyone, so you'll know.

The other thing that bothers me is when I mention something about being fat—which actually happens often because I am so self-conscious about it, you say "awe, you're not fat" Have you seen me? Do me a favor and just laugh with me when I crack my jokes and don't try to make yourself feel better by throwing in that little tidbit. My eye sight is getting worse, but I can still see!

I know all of this sounds really harsh, but seriously, I am a big girl. I know I'm big and it's not a mystery to me how I came to be the voluptuous wonder you see before you! So please give only sincere compliments like, "that top looks really good on you" (if it does), or "love your necklace" (if you do). Please don't try to patronize me into feeling good about myself. I have my big girl panties on and I'm dealing with it!

Much Love—Jodi

My Tantrum—Right Back at Ya!

I know I'm gonna get flack from a few parents out there with this one—but I don't care, it has to be said! Does your child throw temper tantrums at the dinner table at home? Then why the hell would you bring that same child into the restaurant where I am trying to enjoy my dinner! I hear parents say things like "so sorry, we have been out all day and she's very tired" Then keep the fucking kid at home and get some take-out. Apparently you would prefer to come to this restaurant and let your damn kid stand up in the booth so that they can entertain my ass. Yeah, lady, your daughter playing with my ponytail was only cute the first time, now it's just annoying!

Wouldn't it make sense that now that there is no longer a smoking section in restaurants, that we designate that area as a kid free zone? I really have nothing against children, but I think they should not be allowed in restaurants other than McDonald's, Burger King and the like. And BTW isn't there a restaurant designated just for your kids? I believe it's called "Chuck E. Cheese! I think running around and screaming at the top of your lungs is allowed there. Maybe you should familiarize yourself with that establishment.

I'm really not trying to be a hater of children. I love children— just not yours! When my kid was growing up I was smart enough to know that when he was 0-5 years of age, he had no business eating with the adult population. I kept him at home. On the rare occasion that I did take him out to eat, he was forewarned "I will swipe your ass up out of that seat faster than you can get tears out of your eyes—do not play with me" That's right, I was a mean mommy. Guess what else, my child listened to me when I told him to do something and knew better than to talk back about it too!

So take that!! — I look forward to your comments, LOL

Much Love—Jodi