Monday, December 24, 2012


Twas da nat ‘efore Christmas, an da party was slammin’
We was hangin’ n’ singin’, man, we was a jammin’
Suddenly I hears a bang-bang on da door’,
must a hit perdy hard cause it vibrated da floor’.

I opened da door. Just a crack—I was scurd.
Beside all da bangin, day ain’t said a word.
Low and behold what do I see? Ole drunkin’ Santa takin' a pee!

It wunt really Santa, he’s up da firehouse
Was ole cousin Bubba, come to party da house.
Da moonshine he brung was a perdy good gift,
It was sho gonna give us all a good lift.

So I’s went to da baffroom, in da tub fer a beer
and all of a sudd’n what did I hear?
A clangin’ and racket took me a lookin’
out da winda to see what ole Mama was cookin’

I sees her a waddlin toward that old pot
filled up with grease and o’boy was it hot!
She’s a fixin to fry a big turkey, looks like.

Oh, my, my Lord, I just can’t believe it
If she puts that bird in dare. she gone get lit!
I got’s to get steppin, move as fast as I can
Oh no! “Mama don’t put da bird in da pan!"

To late, she done did it, and boy did she fly
Don’t think I see’d anyone go quite dat high!
She flew right past Santa and all his reindeer,
da turkey was dare too, takin’ up da rear.

Hey Ya’ll! Come on out here an’ look over yonder
I think Mama just took out Rudolph and Donder!
Oh well, she be back. She’s been thew worse
Hell, last year she got knocked out by Earl’s kickin’ horse.

When she gits back though, she’ll open her presents
and see what we got her is far better than last ens.
We thought maybe Mama could use a good rest
So we bought her a Snuggie, we heard they’s da best
It'll be keepin’ her a warm thew a cold winter’s nat
just in case she gits a hankrin’ for another nats flight!

Merry Christmas Ya’ll —Jodi

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

C'mon Spank Me!

For those of you who found yourself at my little blog thinking you were entering some sort of porn site, so sorry, this is a different kind of spanking. There is a lot of grunting going on in this story though, so you might want to stick around just for the entertainment value. Lately, I've seen a lot of those commercials for body shapers, Spanx and smoothers. Since I have the upcoming nuptials, I thought it might behoove me to see about investing in one of these miracle workers. So, Saturday morning, bright and early, I set out on my journey to find that wonderment of material that was magically going to transform my egg shape into something that half resembled the woman of my youth. I planned the shopping early in the hopes that the dressing room would be unoccupied and I could use the handicap one, better known as the "big girl stall". Hey, don't judge me! I managed to find the bottoms in my size, or so said the tag, and proceeded to the dressing room to try on something that looked like it was sized for a skinny teenage boy. I had high expectations that this little baby was going to transform me into a much smaller and more presentable egg! Now picture this. These wonder bloomers measured, unstretched, about ten inches wide——I am a size 18-20. At this point I am just praying I don't get stuck in the damn thing and have to call for help. I knew I should have brought a friend along for this process! Okay, so first, I have to put my feet inside this thing. Sounds simple enough. I put my left foot in and proceeded to install my right foot, lost my balance and went head first into the wall. Lets just try this again. Okay, good, got my feet in. Now I have to pull and tug and pull and tug. There was so much grunting going on, I was definitely expecting to hear "Is everything okay in there?" It felt more like a beat down, than a spanking! After much stretching, jumping, tugging and swearing, I finally got the thing up to my waist. I looked in the mirror and had to laugh out loud. The waistband was at my waist, but the crotch was still down past my knees. What a sight! I finally got the thing snuggling around my vajayjay, but it took almost ten more minutes!
To my dismay, everything was stuffed in the thing and did look smoother, but definitely not any smaller. Now that I had gotten the bottom portion all tucked and squashed, all the fat had managed it's way up over the waistband of these things and was now spilling out over the edges. Solution? Oh yes, they have a solution for this too! Apparently I'm supposed to try and put on a corset type bra with ten hooks down the back. I'm thinking "I've managed to get this other torture device on, how hard could this be?" Needless to say, after trying to get just one hook, hooked, and losing my grip and having the thing fling across the room like a sling shot, I gave up. I figured with all the sweat pouring off of me, I had to have lost an inch or two and didn't need the fuckin' thing anymore!
Much Love, Jodi