Saturday, April 24, 2010

10 Dimensions of Compatibility

I was watching TV tonight and one of those eharmony commercials came on. In the commercial they mentioned that their matching is based on 29 dimensions of compatibility. So, it got me thinking. I'll bet none of their questions would even come close to what, in reality, makes a couple compatible. So, you guessed it. I have comprised a listing of the 10 essentials that keep Hubby and I harmonious—in no particular order.

#1. If we have sex, talking afterwards is optional, or it consists of me telling you "Are we done? Then get the hell off me"

#2. After a meal, passing gas is acceptable. If it smells, leaving the room so the smell follows you, is also acceptable.

#3. We laugh at each others jokes because we actually think we're funny.

#4. You clean up the pee ring around the toilet base because you realize you have bad aim.

#5. You sitting around in your most comfortable holey underwear—I've learned to live with.

#6. We realize that we are both over 50 years old and we don't expect each other to look or act like we're 21.

#7. I am sitting at my computer downstairs and you are at your's upstairs and if we need something, we can IM each other.

#8. We are both fat, so it's okay if no one gets naked.

#9. You cook and enjoy it. I don't and we enjoy that equally.

And #10. You read my top 10 compatibility list and laughed with me because it's all true and it works for us.

So there ya have it. I hope you enjoyed my little list. Please feel free to comment and add your own couple compatibilities!

Much Love — Jodi

Sunday, April 18, 2010

"Flow" is a beotch!

Out of curiousity I looked up the word menopause. Here is the definition—represents the end of menstruation. The word "menopause" literally means the "end of monthly cycles" I personally think the definition should be revised to something like this "A never ending interruption of a woman's life when she will experience her period whenever, where ever, it decides to show up. Could be months, could be weeks, even days, if you play your cards right". If you are not old enough to be experiencing this precious little facet of life, let me be your guide into the wonderous world of midlife! If you are right there with me, then you can appreciate my point of view.

Most doctors and experts will tell you that once you hit the onset of menopause, (and by the way, the onset takes 5 to 10 years) your periods will either become lighter and less frequent or heavier and more frequent—or somewhere in between. They also tell you that if you have not experienced a period for a year, menopause has completed it's cycle. Of course, this is not carved in stone or anything. Just a little tidbit, if you're counting the months and looking forward to that special twelfth month to celebrate the end of all of this bullshit, you will be sadly disappointed in the amount of time it takes! I have not had a period since last August. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, or so I thought. Monday morning I was awakened from a much needed sleep, with stomach cramps like I haven't experienced since I was a teenager. Yes, it was Flow! That bitch showed up right when I least expected her. Unlike the woman in the Playtex commercial, I was not prepared! No tampons, no pads! Just what I wanted to do, run to the store at eight in the morning! When I got back from the store, that little pad I made from a wad of toilet paper had slid past my vajayjay and was now half way up the front of me. It served no purpose what-so-ever. Well, here's to another pair of panties to add to the other period underwear tucked in the corner of the dresser drawer. Don't try to deny it, you know you have a stash of blood stained undies in the back of your drawer reserved just for your period. If there happens to be any men reading this post, here's an FYI. We put the crappy underwear in the back of the drawer in the event that you or some other pervert wants to go in there to sniff our panties or something. You will grab the pretty ones that were placed strategically in the front!!

I once was looking forward to this stage of my life as I thought it would be freeing! No kids, no period, sex would be great! Instead, my breasts feel like water balloons that are on the verge of bursting. I'm bloated all the time. I have swollen hands and feet and three pairs of different sized blue jeans that fit on different days. Don't even talk to me about sex, its been so long, I think I am a virgin again!

Till next time...

Much Love to all—Jodi

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Proud Member of the Volupuous Club Since 2003

The more you get to know me, the more you will find I have a tendency to be somewhat politically incorrect. I poke fun at everything and everyone—including myself. Some would like to say I do this to feel better about myself, bullshit! I feel just fine about myself. I'm overweight, menopausal and old—life does this to you. I think for the most part I am fairly satisfied with my personality and my perspective on life. Good or bad, my friends know if they want the truth... I'm there for them—always. The overweight thing does bother me, and my "change of life cycle" (oh, God, I can't believe I just called it my "change of life", I sound like my mother!) has made me realize that I better start embracing my curves cause the skinny fairy ain't showing up anytime soon! It took me a while to realize how "big" I really had become. I felt skinny inside, so every time I passed a mirror or glass window and saw my reflection I was always shocked. For some reason I expected to see a 120lb woman standing there and instead I saw what I refer to, as a unrecognizable weeblewobble! There were lots of signs that I had now become a member of the more volupuous club. I think the first real indication was when an acquaintance of mine, who was, at the time, twice my size—linked me in a statement referring to us as "girls "OUR" size! I was floored, are you kidding me? Since then I have discovered many signs that confirmed my bigness. I found out my huge behind could do tricks! One night as I was getting out of the shower, apparently I had closed the shower curtain behind me and was bending over to towel myself off. As I stood up and walked toward the mirror across the room I was abruptly stopped by the shower curtain that had gotten caught in my butt crack, "hey, look Ma, no hands" I fell on the floor laughing, I could barely stop long enough to explain to hubby what happened.

Another time I realized the weight had gotten out of hand was while shopping for clothes, I could no longer choose my size right off the rack. I had to painstakingly try every single thing on, nothing fit or looked right. All I could see were all the rolls of fat indicated in every item I pulled and maneuvered onto my frame. And someone please explain to me, if horizontal stripes make you look wider, why the hell does everything in the "big girl" store have horizontal stripes!! Oh, and just a foot note, just because they make it in your size, doesn't mean you are supposed to be wearing it, leather pants are not sexy on a size 16!

Well, like I said, I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that I might just remain this size for the remainder of my life—cause ya know, that ice cream surely isn't going to eat itself.

Much Love to my Big Proud Sista's—Jodi

Sunday, April 4, 2010

I'm from "Pennsyltucky"

I'm not sure if it is menopause creating my inability to tolerate people or simply the lack of intelligence by the people of whom this story is written. I don't know what it's like in your "neck of the woods" but here in Pennsylvania, people have a very unique way of speaking that defies all reasoning. Now, don't get me wrong, I myself have been known to use a bit of slang and it sometimes has provided plenty of entertainment for others. This however, goes way beyond a slang. For example, we have a friend who I will call "Ned". Every single time I have any conversation with Ned, he manages to belt out the "word" supposively! Instead of supposedly. I affectionately refer to him as the "Jesse Jackson of redneckville". His use of the english language is also well appreciated in the story I am about to relay to you. A couple of years ago, I started having severe pain in my back. I was complaining to Ned one day about the pain starting from my lower back and traveling down my entire leg. Well, don't ya know, good ole Ned, didn't let me down. He proclaimed "thats your scematic nerve", when I proceeded to correct him and said, "no it's not", because I, of course, was going to correct his english. He says "oh, yeah it is, that's your scematic nerve" Okay, so I let him ramble on for a while as he repeated the word over and over to several friends, until I finally, (after laughing every time he said it) pulled him aside and told him the word is "sciatic" nerve. His response "Oh yeah, that's it. Well, you knew what I meant" The bad thing is, I did know what he meant.

What kills me with people like this is, Ned would be the first to say "this is America, learn to speak the language" Huh, yeah, right back at ya bud! Oh, and by the way, he also uses "axed" in place of "asked".

I have lived in PA most of my life and just recently have become more acute to how unintelligent pennsylvanian's, born and bred, really sound. We are famous for our many ways to say "you", or "you all". Let's see, we have you's, youin's, youse, yins and many more I'm sure I have forgotten. WTF, people!

Another thing we do that drives me absolutely crazy. When telling a story—for some reason, we feel it necessary to let you know what day this story occurred. It goes something like this, "yesterday I was walking the dog in the park—no, it couldn't have been yesterday, it had to of been Wednesday, cause Wednesday I went to the doctor in the morning, or was that Thursday" ... guess what, I don't give a shit what day it was, it has no significance to the story!!

I could go on and on ... I might have more thoughts on this subject to continue at another time, maybe I'll write again on "Sardy or Sundy"

Much love to all—Jodi

Friday, April 2, 2010


For months now, I've been contemplating whether to create a Facebook fan page or a blog. Well, since I like to talk a lot—according to hubby, I decided the blog would be a good fit for me.

This is my first post and I wanted to provide a bit of wit and wisdom. However, due to the fact that I have spent the last three hours trying to get this daggone thing set up, my funny eludes me at the moment. Don't worry, it'll come back to me!

I guess the first thing I should do is tell you a little about myself and what you will see on my Squawkbox. For those of you who have not had the pleasure of being bombarded with my self-promotion on twitter (design45) I have two online shops, Tubby Tabby's Jewelbox and TopCat Design, both can be found on Etsy. I don't plan on doing much shop promotion on my blog, mostly because I really want you to follow my blog, not be blasted with things I'm selling. I might, from time to time, feature someone else's shop here, but mostly this blog is about getting to know the people I talk to on my social networks. I hope to be sharing insight, funny stories, trials and tribulations of menopause and whatever else I feel I would like to share. Reader comments will always be allowed, so feel free to "meow" whenever you wish. I'm very open minded, so don't hesitate to share your opinions with me. Just keep in mind, I will always get the last word! (cause it's my blog, lol)

Well, that's all I can think of to say at the moment. I'll fill you in as interesting things happen. Because "things" always happen to me! I'll keep you posted.

Till then, much love to you — Jodi