Friday, July 23, 2010

Send This to Seven Friends Within the Next 10 Minutes!

I know it looks like I'm getting lazy about the blog post lately, but really another email came to me today and it was so humorous to me—I felt compelled to share it. So here goes...

As we approach the end of another month - I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed..hmmmm

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST ALSO SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO ALL OF YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise. And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

PS: I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.

Can we possibly stop believing everything we receive in an email now! C'mon people!

Much Love—Jodi

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Today I appreciate Andy Rooney

I received this in an email today and loved it so much, I thought I would share it with you. This is Andy Rooney's take on women over age 50.

As I grow in age, I value women over 50 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 50 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 50 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 50 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 50.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 50 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest.. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 50 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 50, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

Much Love—Jodi

Monday, July 12, 2010

Facebook is the "Shit"

I don't know about you, but over the last year I have been having a great time with FaceBook. I have found so many forgotten friends. Friends from childhood, high school and everywhere in between. Just today I met up with two sisters from my old neighborhood. We had an awesome lunch! As soon as we sat down at the table we started reminiscing about old times. The poor waiter had to come back three times before we finally decided we would all have the salad bar. And after we paid our checks he came back again to say "I'm not rushing you ladies out, I just wanted to check and see if there is anything else I can get you?" Yeah, right— what he was really saying was "bitches, get the hell outta here if you're not gonna order anything else!" I think we chatted maybe 45 minutes more, ha, ha!

We talked about so much in such a short lunch. We remembered people from the old neighborhood. We talked about old boyfriends and our first sexual experiences. And of course, I had to mention that I once started to add up my sexual partners and when I had gotten to my second hand, I decided perhaps I didn't really want to know—so I stopped counting. Hey, what did you expect? I was a popular girl when I was young! Since then, the pool has dried up quite a bit, LOL. Hubby is the only one for me now and I'm sure he'll be thrilled to hear about the counting my fingers thing.

I have gotten reacquainted with at least five old friends that I have found on Facebook. It really is an excellent tool. I even found my first boyfriend and he reminded me that I was his first love and first kiss. How sweet is that to remember after all these years. So many high school friends have been located on FB. And the 35th Class Reunion should be a bit easier to plan this year. Yep, that's right bitches, I'm fuckin old! If you're not there yet, believe me it's coming quicker than you can imagine!

At first I hated the fact that becoming friends with the "old friends" meant that they would look at my photos and see a much older—much wider me. But since then, I've realized that I get to look at their photos too—I no longer feel so bad!!

Much love til next time—Jodi

Monday, July 5, 2010

I'm trying to do something here!

For weeks now I have been watching the news reports and all the images from the Gulf oil spill. It is heart wrenching to me. Like most of us, I feel helpless to do anything about it. Just watching it and realizing that the oil is just going to keep pumping in the ocean is just devastating. I live in Pennsylvania, the closest ocean waters are in New Jersey, Maryland and Delaware, so there is no immediate or personal effect to me, except the fact that I would love my grandchildren to also be able to enjoy the ocean and beaches as I have.

With all that said, I would like to convey a little bit of information about BP. Here is a link to BP's website: where you can find BP Brands. If you navigate the website (about BP, our brands) you will see other companies BP owns (this is a small list, with some research you can find many more). Not only can we boycott BP oil, but also not make purchases from their affiliates. I, for one, will not consciously be purchasing anything from BP.

One of the things I've noticed lately, and this doesn't surprise me—is that the gas stations in my area that held the BP logo have now changed to Gulf. They have done this in order to try to fool the public into believing they no longer associate with BP. Well, Gulf is also owned by BP!! I have done a bit of research on other oil companies to determine where I can purchase oil and feel a bit better about it. (damn, I wish I had an electric car) I've found that Sunoco, not only refines their own oil, but they do not purchase foreign oil. Since we all have to purchase it, at least we can buy from an American company that purchases in the US, not in foreign countries.

I know someone is going to write to me to point out that by boycotting BP stations we are only hurting the independent station owners and not BP. I have several thoughts on that, one is, if they are truly independent owners, then purchase items from inside their stores and not the gas. As far as I understand, they don't make a lot of money from gas sales anyway. I also feel that whether or not they are independently owned is not the point. This is what happens when you are associated with a company that has caused so much devastation to so many! If BP had not been so concerned about saving money in the first place, this could have been avoided. All this devastation to save a buck, well, now my BUCKS will be spent elsewhere!!

Here's hoping the environment is not ruined for our grandchildren, thanks BP!!

Til next time—Jodi