Sunday, April 18, 2010

"Flow" is a beotch!

Out of curiousity I looked up the word menopause. Here is the definition—represents the end of menstruation. The word "menopause" literally means the "end of monthly cycles" I personally think the definition should be revised to something like this "A never ending interruption of a woman's life when she will experience her period whenever, where ever, it decides to show up. Could be months, could be weeks, even days, if you play your cards right". If you are not old enough to be experiencing this precious little facet of life, let me be your guide into the wonderous world of midlife! If you are right there with me, then you can appreciate my point of view.

Most doctors and experts will tell you that once you hit the onset of menopause, (and by the way, the onset takes 5 to 10 years) your periods will either become lighter and less frequent or heavier and more frequent—or somewhere in between. They also tell you that if you have not experienced a period for a year, menopause has completed it's cycle. Of course, this is not carved in stone or anything. Just a little tidbit, if you're counting the months and looking forward to that special twelfth month to celebrate the end of all of this bullshit, you will be sadly disappointed in the amount of time it takes! I have not had a period since last August. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, or so I thought. Monday morning I was awakened from a much needed sleep, with stomach cramps like I haven't experienced since I was a teenager. Yes, it was Flow! That bitch showed up right when I least expected her. Unlike the woman in the Playtex commercial, I was not prepared! No tampons, no pads! Just what I wanted to do, run to the store at eight in the morning! When I got back from the store, that little pad I made from a wad of toilet paper had slid past my vajayjay and was now half way up the front of me. It served no purpose what-so-ever. Well, here's to another pair of panties to add to the other period underwear tucked in the corner of the dresser drawer. Don't try to deny it, you know you have a stash of blood stained undies in the back of your drawer reserved just for your period. If there happens to be any men reading this post, here's an FYI. We put the crappy underwear in the back of the drawer in the event that you or some other pervert wants to go in there to sniff our panties or something. You will grab the pretty ones that were placed strategically in the front!!

I once was looking forward to this stage of my life as I thought it would be freeing! No kids, no period, sex would be great! Instead, my breasts feel like water balloons that are on the verge of bursting. I'm bloated all the time. I have swollen hands and feet and three pairs of different sized blue jeans that fit on different days. Don't even talk to me about sex, its been so long, I think I am a virgin again!

Till next time...

Much Love to all—Jodi


  1. I can NOT quit laughing!!! You surely tell it like it is! I have been on the patch for several years. I tell my kids it's the "anti-bitch" patch! shhh-don't tell anyone I said that! LOL!!!
    I had a partial hysterectomy at 37, and then the rest at 42. A good beauty tip for menapausal women who are taking hormone replacement: Always keep a pair of tweezers in your car!

  2. Too funny!!! I haven't hit menapause yet but am getting up up there. Thanks for the advise- I'll be sure to keep tampons in the house for years after I think I need them!

  3. i'm almost in tears laughing at this post! also? the seven dwarves of menopause made me crack up!

  4. Glad everyone is enjoying the post! You have to have a sense of humor about these things!

  5. Lol so this is what I have to look forward to... And men wonder why we could rip their hearts out 24/7 we replace one annoying painful thing for another. Who is the stronger sex?!

    Thanks for the laughs!

  6. I totally LOL~this was funny! I am in the Pre-menopausal stage (for whatever that is worth) I am somewhat regular~ but I have never had the cramps like I have been having~ can't wait for another 5 years for the real fun stuff :(

    Thank you for sharing the laughs!

  7. Holy Crap this is so Funny~~ And I am flipping made because Aunt Flow still shows up regularly every month. I am now 49 and I want it to STOP!!!
    Most all my friends my age are not doing this anymore and I want to know why I still have to. Not Fair, Not Fair! Glad I am not the only one with Period Underwear~~ I am Crying right now cause I am laughing so Hard!! :0 P.S. The Dwarfs are right on!

  8. FYI-You know it's time to buy new underwear when ALL of your underwear are Period Underwear! No sense in wasting money until you need to! Love your take on this!!

  9. Haven't enjoyed anything so much since Menopause: The Musical.