"Flow" is a beotch!

Out of curiousity I looked up the word menopause. Here is the definition—represents the end of menstruation. The word "menopause" literally means the "end of monthly cycles" I personally think the definition should be revised to something like this "A never ending interruption of a woman's life when she will experience her period whenever, where ever, it decides to show up. Could be months, could be weeks, even days, if you play your cards right". If you are not old enough to be experiencing this precious little facet of life, let me be your guide into the wonderous world of midlife! If you are right there with me, then you can appreciate my point of view.

Most doctors and experts will tell you that once you hit the onset of menopause, (and by the way, the onset takes 5 to 10 years) your periods will either become lighter and less frequent or heavier and more frequent—or somewhere in between. They also tell you that if you have not experienced a period for a year, menopause has completed it's cycle. Of course, this is not carved in stone or anything. Just a little tidbit, if you're counting the months and looking forward to that special twelfth month to celebrate the end of all of this bullshit, you will be sadly disappointed in the amount of time it takes! I have not had a period since last August. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel, or so I thought. Monday morning I was awakened from a much needed sleep, with stomach cramps like I haven't experienced since I was a teenager. Yes, it was Flow! That bitch showed up right when I least expected her. Unlike the woman in the Playtex commercial, I was not prepared! No tampons, no pads! Just what I wanted to do, run to the store at eight in the morning! When I got back from the store, that little pad I made from a wad of toilet paper had slid past my vajayjay and was now half way up the front of me. It served no purpose what-so-ever. Well, here's to another pair of panties to add to the other period underwear tucked in the corner of the dresser drawer. Don't try to deny it, you know you have a stash of blood stained undies in the back of your drawer reserved just for your period. If there happens to be any men reading this post, here's an FYI. We put the crappy underwear in the back of the drawer in the event that you or some other pervert wants to go in there to sniff our panties or something. You will grab the pretty ones that were placed strategically in the front!!

I once was looking forward to this stage of my life as I thought it would be freeing! No kids, no period, sex would be great! Instead, my breasts feel like water balloons that are on the verge of bursting. I'm bloated all the time. I have swollen hands and feet and three pairs of different sized blue jeans that fit on different days. Don't even talk to me about sex, its been so long, I think I am a virgin again!

Till next time...

Much Love to all—Jodi